you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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