Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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