Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
