Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
