The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
