True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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