apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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