I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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