girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
