Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
