so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
