I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
