I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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