It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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