shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
