Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
