and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
