I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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