Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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