Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
