literally had 100 drinks last night.
My hand turned me down
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
