I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
