What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
