Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
