My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
