Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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