im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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