I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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