im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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