I wish I could teleport
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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