the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
