i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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