If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
