So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
