I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
