Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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