I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.