this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We left the knife in your bed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.