i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?