even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....