In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
