well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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