Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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