Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
