I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
