he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
