quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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