I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
