I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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