I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
