Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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