Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
