ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
