i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
