Please don't use social media to get back at me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
