I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
