Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
