After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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